Regarding the Front Porch and any publicly accessible pages of this website (including this page), visitors should possess a sense of humor? If not, they should flee (squealing, like swine). If so, thrust it out in front of you—that shining lantern—and spot the serious within the silly as you continue.
Making Ends meet
As an Indie writer he has to hold down and work at several different jobs, including the following:
Founding Creative Director and Chief Fry Cook, DAEDALUS Hot Wings culinary kitchen concepts
DAEDALUS Hot Wings culinary concepts kitchen is a creative agency specializing in collaborative design and advertising.
Avian AV Engineer, Script veterinarian and Seed Investor / Founder, MOCKing BIRD PRODUCTIONS
The title of this film production company should be self-evident. If it is not, please leave. There is a bowl of sugar-free candy on the étagère near the entrance. Feel free to take a few as you depart us. ( Do you believe them? They were an idiot. I mean... I once found and pocketed a chunk of Hadrian's Wall possessing greater intellect than that fucker. Bet they use social media. Tweet-tweet-tweet. I'm happy to see them go. I wish they'd just die! Don't you? )
Organ Grinder and Supervisory Sausage-handler and (surprise! surprise!) Founder, Oscar WILDE BORE Sausage, Ltd.
Oscar WILDE BORE Sausage, Ltd is a global endeavour of complete and firm sausage love. We make it. We watch it be made. We create for everybody. But we cater to men who love sausage. To your grills. Time to get macho! Oscar WILDE BORE Sausage: No filler — All thriller*
* Heh, just kidding. That last bit of phrasing is Huckster 101 (the kind of shit Trump might say) — lazy & tired AF.
Managing Muffintop, DEEP SHIT DOCUMENTARIES
DEEP SHIT DOCUMENTARIES assists in securing financing and distribution for short- and feature-length documentary films that are destined to place their creators in the crosshairs and in jeopardy with the Establishment, especially Center-Right and Center-Left Establishmentarians who believe they are germ-free gatekeepers of truth and of speech and behavioural purity as they wipe away—with ungloved hands and naked tongues—the filth and clean the backsides of corporations and career politicians.
Nondescript Customer, INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PAINCAKES
A semi-professional man of leisure wearing a fake moustache and writing squirrel-themed poetry while sipping robust coffee and nibbling croissant at a bistro table offering him a good view of the opposite street corner--into the glass front of MARCHÉ ANXIÉTÉ--where Very Online Personalities and famous Media & Entertainment persons shop for groceries, the anxieties they stoke in the broader population.
[ REDACTED ], CLAWFOOT PHARMA
CLAWFOOT PHARMA is located in an abandoned house and manufactures various hallucinogens. The house, Victorian-era. And spooky. The washtub used to cook up the stuff, antique. (And soo heavy. Fuck me, you can't even believe.) CLAWFOOT PHARMA is NOT a front generating cashflow to fund black ops projects. Trust us.
Hubbard Gandleswink, CONSULTING MATHEMATICIAN
Specialist in the development of super-sophisticated formulas used in the development of black ops budget proposals.
Case Study: Seek a reasonable sum of money, say $1MM, to fund a generic research project that won't be pursued. Stonewall on reporting to oversight committees on bogus research project used to secure funds for at least one election cycle. Use the money to buy chemicals and equipment and an old abandoned house and establish a cash-generating business that will fund ongoing operations meeting strategic and tactical objective(s) of your off-book department or agency.
Note: Hubbard Gandleswink suffers from chronic back and neck pain as a result of his having to repeatedly look over his shoulder. High School students considering a career as a Consulting Mathematician should realize the profession has a high turnover rate whose former participants are unable to provide career guidance and firsthand accounts of their experiences as they are disappeared. (Psst! #LearnToCode)
Personal Assistant (PA) for Holly Wood, GIBBERal
Compose and send replies to fan emails and mail. Take photos of Holly's pets and post these on various social media accounts. Nod my head a lot and say: "Holly your activism is important and not at all pretentious and a sign that you have 100x the wealth and quintuple the amount of leisure time working class people have. I am sure nobody has thought to themselves 'If this celeb needs to nanny me so much about voting, then what's up with their goals and objectives for democratic socialism? Are they just going to screech constantly about how, when & where I am to submit my own agency to their popularity contest productions?'"
Owner and Licensor, The English Language
After developing several neologisms and sniglets in the early 00s (see example below), The English Language was purchased using debt financing. it is now licensed for use. If you have not paid your annual royalty, fear not, an invoice will arrive presently. As such, online and in-person encounters with random pedants and grammar Nazis can safely be ignored unless they present you with an official Marshall [sic] of the Language badge issued by yours truly.
Data Tripper: A data tripper is a person that may search on terms and phrases, or visit web sites, or post on forums and social media platforms in a manner that may or may not reflect their true value system and beliefs. Data Trippers might do this for any number of reasons including, but not limited to: confusing ISPs, advertising/consumer tracking systems; or eliciting contact or responses from ISPs, online advertising systems, marketing firms, programs, and algorithms, to verify the existence of these, or verify their online presence is being tracked by same; or to garner responses from these platforms and algorithms with the intent of initiating or furthering societal dialogue. Note: while looking similar, data trippers are not a Troll* because their focus is not on engaging specific individuals but on automated platforms and technological systems that may be used for tracking & surveillance.
* There is an old adage about judging something by its cover.
Inventor, FAME SKANK
FAME SKANK™ is the (ironically) fresh new family-friendly game where players get to Act! Draw! Dance! (temporarily) Govern! and more. Suitable for all ages — indoctrinate them when young. The perfect gift for the Giving Season.
Washboardist* and lyricist, THE CATERPILLAR & ASHMEDAI JUG Band
Dedicated to discretion and specializing in private, intimate events—like the coupling sessions where that guy Simon does your mom. THE CATERPILLAR & ASHMEDAI JUG Band is a (bed) chamber ensemble using spoons, washboard and jug to instrumentalize and score your (coital) performance. Call today. When you book your performance, ask about this month's special on One Night Stands: "Don't Cry for Me Argentina."
* Asthma prevents him from mastering the jug